I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
