good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
