Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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