Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
