I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
