We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
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oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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