if i can run in heels then i can drive
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
