I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
