Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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