i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
