i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My penis needs a shock collar
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
