I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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