Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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