Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
