i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
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We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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