her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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