I'm so fucking centered right now
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
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