Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
