Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
