Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
