he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
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He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
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Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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