I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
