So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
