There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
