So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
