i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
