Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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