Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I pour the whiskey from now on
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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