I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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