The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
