oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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