don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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