So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
