I look better un-naked...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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