3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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