so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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