false alarm. still invincible.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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