My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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