my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
3pm strippers are depressing
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
