had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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