cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
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