I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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