i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
