I cannot find my penis.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
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