I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
