So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
