Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
