nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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