Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
