im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
