Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
