I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
