She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
