What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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