im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
