Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
